Love.

You’re in love with the idea of love

Here you are again, giving another chance to the person who has already hurt you so many times.

Here you are again, saying you love a person you just met a few days ago.

Here you are again, going out with the person your friends warned you about.

Here you are again, thinking you are in love. Well the truth is, you are not. You are not in love. You just want someone to tell you nice things and make you feel better. You just want someone to take care of you because you can’t do it yourself. You just want someone to love you so you can boost your ego and feel pretty. You just want something to talk about with your friends. You just want someone to make you feel important because deep inside, you feel empty.

Deep inside, you know you are not really in love. You just don’t want to be alone.

Have you ever heard the phrase “I’m in love with the idea of being in love”? This phrase relates to a real phenomenon.

It is actually quite easy to be seduced by a concept. And love is a seductive concept. Our literary and artistic culture is riddled with hyperbolic, overwrought, and unattainable descriptions of what love means. The way love is described in famous novels is so exaggerated, it becomes almost absurd.

Love shouldn’t drive you to die. It should give you a reason to live. And yet if you were to read Romeo and Juliet or Wuthering Heights, you’d think love and suffering were one and the same, that you couldn’t fully love someone without suffering great pain and loss. Even cinema reflects this strange comparison of love and suffering. Just look at movies like Titanic or  Gone with the Wind. Even though the two main characters in all these movies are separated by the film’s end, even though we’re deprived as an audience of a happy ending, we blissfully watch these movies and use them as actual examples of “true love”. Would these movies have been as romantic had the characters gotten together and lived happily ever after? I doubt it. We love their story because it ends in loss.

These stories that we tell ourselves are beautiful and enjoyable, but it’s important to realize that they’re just stories. They’re a work of fiction that represent an idea that has little bearing in real life. Real love is far from the idea of love. Real love isn’t always exciting; it’s actually frequently boring. Unlike these dramatic stories and movies that operate by a series of ups and downs, high highs and low lows, mystery and intensity, unexpected twists and turns, the real thing is actually far from turbulent. Real love, the kind that sustains over time and contributes to ones life in a positive way, is actually really stable. And when you love someone, you don’t expect them to be like heroes or heroines in plays, movies, or novels. You accept them as real people with real personalities. People are not ideas, and if you like someone because they symbolize or represent something to you, you’re in for a disappointment. No one can live up to your ideas, because those ideas aren’t theirs but yours, and as such, when you love your ideas, you aren’t in love with anyone else; you’re actually in love with yourself. You’re in love with a figment of your own imagination.

So next time you tell someone that you like your guy because he reminds you of someone else or that your gal is great because she represents an attractive ideal, think long and hard about whether you’re actually in love or just infatuated with the idea of love. These things are distinct and highly incompatible, and to think they are one and the same is to accept a delusion that can only lead to disappointment.

If you think love is finding someone who will complete you, then you are just wasting time. You are not looking for love, you are merely going for the idea of love. You can’t love someone if you are not complete. You have to be happy with yourself before you could share happiness with another person. You can’t live with someone just because they make you feel good about yourself. You have to face the mirror and feel contented with what you see before you share your whole life with that person.

Before you go into a relationship, create yourself first. Decide what kind of person you will be. Know your flaws and weaknesses and use that knowledge to be the best person you can be.

Don’t flirt with every person that comes your way. Be choosy. Have standards and stick to these standards.

Don’t settle for less than you deserve just because everyone around you is in a relationship.

Don’t go for the 2nd best option just because you think the right person for you will not come.

Don’t find and wait for the right person, be the right person. You have to show the people around you that you are a person worth loving, worth marrying and worth spending forever with.

If you chose someone just because you think they’re going to fill the gap in your life, you should have filled your own, No matter how many relationships you get into, no matter how many people flirt with you, in the end, you’ll just feel you are forever alone and in love with the idea of being in love.

Real love sustains and leads to happiness. So wouldn’t you rather go for the real thing?

 

Cheers! x

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