Fifty Shades of BS

So I manage to free up some time today to watch the supposedly ‘long awaited film’ of the book, Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. If you don’t know this trilogy, the books follow the romance of Christian Grey and Anastacia Steele. Christian is a dashing, twenty something gazillionaire, who’s a tortured soul due to a harsh early childhood that left him orphaned and mentally and physically scarred. Luckily, he was adopted by an affluent, loving couple, but a bored, married, female friend of the couple decided to make Christian her sexual submissive while he was a handsome teenager doing yard work for her.

Anastacia Steele is a demure, clumsy, awkwardly dressed yet naturally stunning college senior with a perfect figure who interviews Grey for an article in the college paper as her roommate, Kate, had caught on a sickness of flu. Upon her stumbling into his office, he’s so smitten with her irresistible ways that he asks his staff sleuth to get the details on her. He arranges to happen into the hardware store where she works to pick up a few of his bondage necessities. The books portray their tumultuous romance and subsequent marriage.

Christian originally sets out to make Anastacia his sexual submissive, and while she does initially entertain the idea, reads the rules, and tries to play the part, she finds that it’s just not in her nature to do it well because obedience outside of the bedroom is also required. Early on, she risks a spanking any time she rolls her eyes, talks to another man, disobeys an instruction, or otherwise arbitrarily angers the controlling Christian.

Throughout the books Anastacia spends lots of time trying to predict and anticipate Christian’s reactions, thoughts, and moods. She’s happy and her “inner goddess does an arabesque” when Christian is happy with her and things are going well. Her inner goddess looks sternly over her half-moon glasses questioning Anastascia’s decisions and actions when they may not be in her best interest. She does this a lot. If you have no idea what I’m saying, read the goddamn book.

The relationship is based on ownership, control, assuming, and reacting. It’s the typical “bad boy turns into a prince charming who rescues the maiden who turns out to be a beautiful princess” fairy tale.

Anastacia, who was a virgin when they met, is able to make Christian, a man who has been into “kinky fuckery” for years, explode in ecstasy with just a few minutes of her novice, vanilla skills. Just the sight of Anastacia biting her lip drives Christian wild with uncontrollable desire. So very typical.

Anyways, the point of this post is that the movie was a complete and utter disappointment. The actor and actress, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, were the biggest disappointment of all. It wasn’t so much of their solo acting skills but more of the chemistry between them. Or in this case, the lack of chemistry between them. I mean, what were they thinking? This movie is all about chemistry and it looks like it completely slipped their mind when they cast both JD and DJ. Ironic how their initials are back and front and front and back of each letter. Argh, you know what I mean.

The only parts of the movie which I thoroughly enjoy was first, the soundtrack. Gosh, the soundtrack is amazing. One of my many favorites would be Ellie Golding’s Love Me Like You Do. It was on my replay mode for 2 weeks. Hah! And the only scenes I liked was first, the part where JD & DJ danced together. They actually manage to show proper emotions and actually liked each other’s company. Ditto to the part where they flew the glider, yeap that part was really good, I admit. But that’s it. The other 85% of the movie was just a shit load of crap. 

Sorry, not sorry, if any feelings were ‘hurt’ in the process of reading this, you have pretty bad taste in movies is all I can say. Goodnight.

with love, kimberlyh


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