“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Why didn’t you believe them the first time? You kept thinking there’s some hidden meaning, that something else will reveal itself in time. It’s the, “I’m going to hurt you.” Or, “You deserve better than me.” Even, “You’re so amazing, but I’m just messed up right now.”
You hear the words and ignore them. Like some kid who just keeps sticking her hand in the flame, knowing she gets burned each time. But you keep coming back, thinking this time it’ll be fine. You keep forgetting what happens when you touch fire.
Why do you have this weird, innate desire to apply band aids to any bleeding heart you come across? “I like the damaged ones,” you said. And then you reminded me that we’re all damaged anyways. It’s a nasty word, damage. We all think we’re so damaged and broken. But really, it’s just a symptom of living long enough. We just prove how human we are. Perhaps you think it’s easier to focus on someone else. That you enjoy taking care of people because it’s a whole lot better than taking care of yourself.
Some people make you want to pour your energy into them. Because his depression isn’t as scary as yours. Yours feels ugly, whereas his? His makes you want to hold him. His makes you want to touch him and love him and tell him it will all be okay. It’s not healthy, and you know that. You know all of this. Yet here you are.
Believe someone the first time. Listen to what they are saying, as much as you want it to mean something else. We want it to be something else.
But here is the brutal truth, the one you and I forget too often.
When someone tells you that you deserve better, they are telling you to move on because they don’t care enough to be better. They will not put in the effort or energy they KNOW you deserve. I want to say it has nothing to do with you, because it is not your fault, but they will find someone who they deem important enough to BE better for. That person is not you and I’m sorry, that is shitty and horrible and I want to hug you because I’ve been there. They know you deserve better. But they are not going to be better. Listen.
When someone tells you they will hurt you, they will hurt you. I don’t think they are malicious or evil. They aren’t planning some massive destruction to your life and just sitting back, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But they know themselves. We all do, whether we readily admit it. They are going to hurt you. They know it. And maybe down deep, you know it too. And when it happens they will say, “I told you. I told you this would happen.”
When someone tells you they are too messed up, they are warning you. It’s not that anyone has too much damage or too many issues. But this is an excuse. This is something ready to pull out and say, “I told you, I’m messed up.” This is blame and letting go of responsibility. This is the warranty they can point to and say, look. Sorry.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. I’m trying to. It’s time that you do too.