Friendship Breakups.

Someone once told me that breaking up with a friend is way more painful than breaking up with your romantic interest. And yes, it’s most definitely true. I think it’s because we never enter a friendship thinking it will end, so we bare our souls. It’s a tremendous emotional letdown [to lose a friend]. Unlike marriages, which have a legal basis, there are no scripts or rituals like divorce for ending a friendship.

“It was kind of like a death. I actually mourned. First I was devastated and numb, then angry, then indignant, then civil.”

Breakup or even a divorce is a tough process. There’s a sort of “cultural script” for the end of a romantic relationship. (Which often involves ice cream, long cries with girlfriends and the search for a new partner.) But getting over The breakup of a long-term friendship can be very disturbing because, when a friendship dies, women are left hurt, ashamed, angry and confused. Unlike romantic relationships — in which there’s generally the expectation of monogamy — there’s no such equivalent in friendship. So, when your friend wants out of your friendship, does she say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “the magic is gone,” or “we want different things” — or any one of the dozens of breakup cliches that we’ve all heard? Usually not.

I’ve lost friends over the years and each time, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It still hurts, and probably even more each time because of how much you learn to treasure someone over the years. Friends create a shared history that’s painful to even think about replacing. Also, over time, people become more emotionally invested in a friendship. They may have poured their hearts out to each other and have become keepers of each other’s secrets. Just don’t forget, friendships, even very good ones, are dynamic and tend not to last forever. It may be just 2% out of 1.8 billion people who has a friendship that lasts a lifetime. People’s lives and circumstances change over time and a friendship that worked at one stage of someone’s life may not work at another.

I’ve come to think of the idea of friendship as a train ride — friends getting on and off at different stations and sometimes multiple times. It is wrenching to have a long-standing friendship with someone explode. It’s like losing a part of our past. There is no one else in the whole world who is the keeper of those memories of you, no one else who knows the code words for the jokes. In fact, it tears me up — just as (the opposite) nothing lifts me like rediscovering an old, old friend and reliving that part of the past.

I think women’s friendships are so much more intense then men’s, so much more intimate and emotionally consuming. I have loved some men in my life but the love I share with my female best friend is different. They know the “true” me. So, of course there are going to be these minor fights and ruptures. It’s part of it. And getting back together is part of it too — the renewal, the joy to have her back. That’s the great thing about friendships — no divorce.

In case you guys are wondering, no, I did not have a ‘friendship breakup’ with my best friend. But I’d say something triggered this, I feel as if I lost something that has been part of my life for awhile, and writing it out makes me feel a lot better.

Thanks for reading.

PS: I just reached 10K YAY! Thank you 🙂

Kimberly x


4 thoughts on “Friendship Breakups.

  1. This post made my chest tight and I teared up a bit 😦 I have lost friends, but they were more like fade outs, you know? Life carried on and we followed different paths. It didn’t hurt. I miss my friends, wonder how they are. But if I saw them again I know that WE would be okay. I’ve only ever once had a true and real friendship BREAK UP. Our friendship just completely derailed with fights, arguments, gnashing of teeth, screaming, crying, casualties. It was a mess. The thing is, I don’t miss the her that she became. I miss the childhood I had with her. I grew up with her. She’s a building block and a part of what made me ME. When we split apart into this unsalvageable mess I truly did lose a part of myself. What hurts more is she was there for a lot of great childhood memories. It’s sad to look back and have those happy smiles flashing through my head. It’s like, “Wow, who knew that those chocolatey grins and freckled noses would grow up to hate each other”?


    1. Awww. Thank you so much, sweetie! I totally get where you’re coming from. I guess even with all the friends I’ve lost, I’m still eternally grateful that my best friend is still with me. Our sixth year of bestfriendship and still going strong! Its okay to miss the good times and what we’ve lost. The most important thing is don’t miss it too much till you get stuck in the past! Life is all about moving on, meeting new people, gaining better friends. Unpredictable messy friendship happens. Its inevitable. Just let it happen, mourn for it and move on.
      Stay happy always and have a good year ahead! ❤


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