Life is full of surprising things. But up till this point in life, I can safely say that she was the most surprising one of all. Both how we started, and ended. And for quite some time, I didn’t know to either be grateful we met, so that I knew what love really was, or to regret meeting her at all. I guess, on good days it’s more of the former than the latter. And I suppose you want to know why we ended. But before I get to the end, let me first tell you the beginning.
I fell in love with her smile first and then the sound of her laughter. I fell in love with her unconditional love for dogs. I fell in love with her extreme love for cakes and sushi. I fell in love with her weird quirks. In the beginning, I fell in love with how happy she was. And though we’d just met, I knew that her laughter was the question that I wanted to spend the rest of my life answering.
But soon I noticed that something was wrong; that there were cracks in all that happy. And that’s when I realized that she tries so hard to keep things to herself, holding in everything that is bad and wrong. But despite everything, I still held out the hope that we would work through it all and that she just needed time, all because I loved her and I never stopped believing in us.
She thinks that she is being judged for the crime of leaving. No, I am not here to blame her for that. She was always free to leave if she felt that was what made her happy. Her crimes were long before she left. Her first crime was that she should have talked. Instead, she shut me out, build up things within herself. Her second crime was the excuses she dispensed: how she was always tired and busy. Crime number three was for all the promises that she made, four were the ones she never intended to keep. Five was for making up her mind about ending things but leaving me to hope for a month that we would work things out. Six was for giving up and seven was for being a coward. Perhaps I can forgive her for all of that, but forgetting is a harder fight.
And that was the beginning of the end.
In the end, I had forgotten what it was like to be happy together. In the end, I remember how I felt so tired of second guessing my actions and myself, when she wouldn’t even acknowledge hers. In the end, I was tired of being with someone who can’t say what they really feel. In the end, I was tired of equating her to oxygen while I am being waterboarded by her absence and nonchalance. In the end, I still stayed but I remember her walking away. In the end, I remember that she gave up.
In the end,
well, you already know it ends.